#55
This time of year has always been hard on me. Three years ago some say i gave the gift, that anyone could give. This is the story....
On November 2, 2004-Layne and Rachelle Sondrup had a son named Ashton, He was a cute little boy who was always so very happy, as months went on they noticed that he would hardly move his neck and asked the doctor about it the next time they went in for a check up. The doctor really didn't seem like there was anything wrong just that he was young and was still developing his muscles. 5 months old Ashton died of a very rare disease called Spinal muscular atrophy. It was a heart break for the Sondrups as they morned over the lose of there only son. Rachelle and Layne both got checked and the doctors told them that all the kids they would have would most likely have this sickness. So in other words telling them that they will not be able to have anymore kids. This was also a heartbreak for these two lovely people as they have always wanted a huge family. And raise them like there parents did them.
I found out i was pregnant when i was pretty far along, i was only 18 and i was scared, alone, and knew i couldn't raise my son and give him everything i wanted him to have. I placed my son for adoption on Dec 1, 2007 3 years ago. To this day i still live with the overwhelmed pain and questioning in my heart, i loved that little boy more than words could describe. He was everything to me. i have been thinking a lot about him and just adoption. I could have chosen to keep him yes, but my reason for not weighed my mind and heart down, i knew what i had to do. I knew that i was young and was going to be a single mother, i knew that i wasn't in a good place in my life, not only emotionally but mentally. I knew that he wouldn't have a father. I wasn't the best choice for him period. As much as it pains me to say that the parents i chose for him can raise my son better than i could of back then hurts, but.. its the truth. I wanted Jamyn to have a father, i wanted him to grow up where he can look to both parents, i knew he needed that. I knew he needed parents who he can look up too and be proud of, and what to be them someday. I loved him, and because i did i chose life for him, and not me.. i chose that i would rather suffer then him any day. This was the hardest decision of my life, and i have to live with it everyday. But that's OK, just as long as he knows how much i love and care for him. How much i did want to keep him and just hold him. See his first steps, or hear his first word. I chose the better life for him, the life without me in it
Delivery day-
Friday (Nov-30) The day of delivery came, right when i knew that my water broke at 9 in the morning, i was a week over my due date and was dreading this day with all my life. Well he finally came the next morning Sat (Dec 1, 2007) at 2:48 am, it was so hard, The adoptive parents had been there all day along with my family keeping me company. As the doctor covered me up and let the adoptive dad come in and cut the umbilical cord, i cried, everyone cried. There was so much hope and joy and love in there eyes. But so much sadness in mine. i knew that this gift i was giving them meant the world to them, but it also did for me and i was struggling knowing that he will be going home with them soon.
A few days later it came down to the closing hours of us all being together, and i couldn't even grasp the thought in my mind that i wasn't supposed to take Jamyn home. This was there baby this was there son now. As much as it hurt so bad i knew that he had a family and they will always be there for him. I loved them all so much and was so hurt that i didn't have my son, but i knew it was the right thing for him.
They were so thankful for this gift that i was giving to them, they say it was the perfect time of year because this was the best Christmas gift anyone has given them or will ever give them. Threw this amazing time in there life they had the joy and happiness they used to have when there first son was around, and because of me they can now feel that again. With all the Christmas season to come, they thank me everyone of them, and that is worth everything....
On November 2, 2004-Layne and Rachelle Sondrup had a son named Ashton, He was a cute little boy who was always so very happy, as months went on they noticed that he would hardly move his neck and asked the doctor about it the next time they went in for a check up. The doctor really didn't seem like there was anything wrong just that he was young and was still developing his muscles. 5 months old Ashton died of a very rare disease called Spinal muscular atrophy. It was a heart break for the Sondrups as they morned over the lose of there only son. Rachelle and Layne both got checked and the doctors told them that all the kids they would have would most likely have this sickness. So in other words telling them that they will not be able to have anymore kids. This was also a heartbreak for these two lovely people as they have always wanted a huge family. And raise them like there parents did them.
I found out i was pregnant when i was pretty far along, i was only 18 and i was scared, alone, and knew i couldn't raise my son and give him everything i wanted him to have. I placed my son for adoption on Dec 1, 2007 3 years ago. To this day i still live with the overwhelmed pain and questioning in my heart, i loved that little boy more than words could describe. He was everything to me. i have been thinking a lot about him and just adoption. I could have chosen to keep him yes, but my reason for not weighed my mind and heart down, i knew what i had to do. I knew that i was young and was going to be a single mother, i knew that i wasn't in a good place in my life, not only emotionally but mentally. I knew that he wouldn't have a father. I wasn't the best choice for him period. As much as it pains me to say that the parents i chose for him can raise my son better than i could of back then hurts, but.. its the truth. I wanted Jamyn to have a father, i wanted him to grow up where he can look to both parents, i knew he needed that. I knew he needed parents who he can look up too and be proud of, and what to be them someday. I loved him, and because i did i chose life for him, and not me.. i chose that i would rather suffer then him any day. This was the hardest decision of my life, and i have to live with it everyday. But that's OK, just as long as he knows how much i love and care for him. How much i did want to keep him and just hold him. See his first steps, or hear his first word. I chose the better life for him, the life without me in it
Delivery day-
Friday (Nov-30) The day of delivery came, right when i knew that my water broke at 9 in the morning, i was a week over my due date and was dreading this day with all my life. Well he finally came the next morning Sat (Dec 1, 2007) at 2:48 am, it was so hard, The adoptive parents had been there all day along with my family keeping me company. As the doctor covered me up and let the adoptive dad come in and cut the umbilical cord, i cried, everyone cried. There was so much hope and joy and love in there eyes. But so much sadness in mine. i knew that this gift i was giving them meant the world to them, but it also did for me and i was struggling knowing that he will be going home with them soon.
A few days later it came down to the closing hours of us all being together, and i couldn't even grasp the thought in my mind that i wasn't supposed to take Jamyn home. This was there baby this was there son now. As much as it hurt so bad i knew that he had a family and they will always be there for him. I loved them all so much and was so hurt that i didn't have my son, but i knew it was the right thing for him.
They were so thankful for this gift that i was giving to them, they say it was the perfect time of year because this was the best Christmas gift anyone has given them or will ever give them. Threw this amazing time in there life they had the joy and happiness they used to have when there first son was around, and because of me they can now feel that again. With all the Christmas season to come, they thank me everyone of them, and that is worth everything....
Well after my 2007 year of Christmas, i try and see Christmas for what it truly is. A season of giving to those who are in need, to help the people who don't have anything, and to show true joy and service by helping others and finding happiness in all that. The true meaning of Christmas. What it should and always be.
Merry Christmas to everyone one, and may you all find it in your hearts to help bring the real meaning of Christmas back!
Merry Christmas to everyone one, and may you all find it in your hearts to help bring the real meaning of Christmas back!
-Cali
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